Grief makes people uncomfortable. People die, and there's a funeral, and then everything kind of... goes back to normal. But the people who lost a loved one may not be ok. They don't feel normal. Everyone else exists on Planet Earth and they exist on Planet My Person Is No Longer Here.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and, for me, it's a time to talk about grief in the workplace. It can be hard enough to grieve when you're at home or around family, but grief at work can be disorienting at best and unbearable at worst.
Part of this is because we don't know how to support grieving people. It's awkward for friends and family, and even more awkward with people you only know professionally. Yet I believe there are managers and colleagues who want to support a grieving person, and simply don't know how. They're afraid they will say or do the wrong thing and make the person more upset.
But silence makes the grief experience even more lonely and isolating.
In the book There's No Good Card for This, authors Kelsey Crowe Ph.D. and Emily McDowell write:
The first time something unimaginably terrible happens to a friend — and it will happen at some point — you may get a pass for awkward behavior. Yet, as time goes on, if you want to be a responsible grown-up, you've got to do a little better than that.
I want to share some ways you can show up for people who are hurting. Because we can and should be better.
1) Tell the person you are here *with* them, not here *for* them.
Timothy J. Lawrence writes*:
The most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:
I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.
Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful."
We often say, "I can't imagine what you're going through." And it's true. Unless we've been through a similar pain, we have no idea.
But admitting that we "can't imagine" is no comfort to the grieving person. And saying, "I'm here for you" can seem like a throwaway.
(Especially if it's followed by, "Let me know if you need anything." Don't do this. Don't put the burden on the grieving person to ask for help. Instead, offer something concrete, like a meal or offering to take on some of their responsibilities at work.)
Words are powerful. "I am here with you" means you are bearing witness to that person's pain.
If it's something you don't know very well (like a work colleague), you may not feel comfortable saying this. Then offer tangible help. Or ask, "Would you like to talk? You can say anything you want. I'm here to listen." Give the person space to let out their feelings.
I remember one time, after Nelle died, I cried on the phone to my boss for hours. She listened and let me verbalize my pain.
2) Continue to check in
It's common for people to say, "How are you doing?" in the early days. But then weeks pass, and months. They're surrounded by people in the beginning, but those people quickly fall away and go back to their own lives. The grieving person may still be in a lot of pain, and begin to fear that their person will be forgotten.
Put a reminder on your calendar to check in. At the 6-month mark. Especially at the one-year mark. Those anniversary dates, in particular, are so hard. It has been nine years since Nelle died, eight since Iris died, and I still cry every year on their birthdays. Because losing a child isn't something you "get over."
Grief can also be a complete roller coaster, and it's important to acknowledge this. If you're in a work setting and you sense that the person is having a hard time, give them the ability to take a step back, if needed.
One of my friends lost her son when he was about a month old. He was a twin, born prematurely, and his brother survived. Every year, I send her a text message and wish both of her sons a happy birthday. I name them both. The rest of the world sees only her living son, but I know that of course she is thinking of both of her sons that day.
Use the loved one's name. A lot of people shy away from saying the name out loud, thinking that it will stir up too many memories.
I promise you, we have not "forgotten" about our person. We are thinking of them all the time. You don't upset us when you say their names; you are keeping their memory alive.
(If it is pregnancy loss, you can ask if the mother/father named their baby. Parents name their babies at all gestational ages, or sometimes give the baby a name after loss.)
3) Resources
One thing that's particularly hard about grieving is when you need support and finding resources is one. more. thing.
If you, as a friend or coworker, have some resources saved, you could offer them and say, "I've heard about XYZ resource before, and can send you a link to check it out.
Here are a few:
Refuge in Grief (Megan Devine is a grief expert and psychotherapist and has lots of resources)
The Dinner Party (in-person gatherings for grievers)
Option B (resources for grievers and people supporting grievers)
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support (national organization with local chapters)
It took me a long, long time (more than a year) to attend a Share support group meeting. I thought that no one else could possibly understand my loss. I was wrong. The only people who understood my loss were the people who had been through the same. I'm still friends with the people I met through Share. Tomorrow is our annual Walk to Remember to honor our babies, and the day will be filled with hugs along with tears.
Please, be the person who wants to be better and do better to support grieving people in your life.
And if you've lost a loved one, know that I am holding your loved one in my heart.
I talk more about pregnancy and infant loss in this episode of A Fresh Story podcast from
.* Timothy J. Lawrence wrote a wonderful essay about grief on his website. I referenced his quote above in my own essay here. However, the website has now been taken down so I can’t link to the original.
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