Boundary setting 101: Scripts that saved our sanity (medical edition)
What to say and how to respond to people.
This week’s guest essay is from my friend , COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry and modern-day etiquette expert. She’s the author of Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say.
You can also check out Jenny’s Substack: .
Let’s start here, to quote the inimitable Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
When we set boundaries, we are trying to stay in community with someone, in some capacity — not to box them out, necessarily. We are trying to maintain a love for the other while also honoring and respecting our own needs and self-love. Setting boundaries might feel awkward, even mean sometimes, but I want to remind you that when you set them with clarity and warm firmness, they are actually a wonderful way of teaching people how to love you.
Here are some scenarios and scripts for how to set boundaries when you are going through a medical crisis.
Some advice on delivery:
We’re going to assume the people who we are setting boundaries with love us and want the best for us, that their motivations are good, even if a little complicated or self-involved at times (we all know those people).
We are going to try and deliver our boundary scripts without an edge of anger; in fact, neutrality is best. I sort of cringe even writing this because you’re the one going through a medical crisis – why should you have to be anything other than your most authentic self at any moment? But we’re aiming for the most effective delivery here. You can always caveat your delivery with, “I’m not in a good place” or “I’m in a fair amount of pain, so please ignore my tone.” Sometimes when communicating a boundary, we do need to put a little shine on it — and that shine is often in the delivery.
We are not going to overexplain, we are going to say what we need and then we are going to let that be a full statement. If the other party does not respond we are going to allow the boundary to marinate in the silence. We are not going to reverse course or give them more information than they need.
Remember: Clear is kind. Be clear. Speak from your experience and what you need —not about any previous behavior they have shown. Clear is kind. Succinct is sweet.
If someone reaches out and you just don’t have the energy or mental space to reply:
“You are so sweet to check in on me. I don’t have the energy to catch you up right now, but I will do my best once I have some energy to spend.”
Not every message needs an immediate response; sometimes we want to process new information or even just rest and not be constantly staring at our phone, recapping the potential traumas of our own bodies.
Tip: Write out (dictate or voice to text, or even voice memo!) the most recent updates you’d want to share with a certain group of people, so you don’t find yourself needing to constantly type and retype what has been happening. Save it in your Notes app for a quick copy/paste when someone checks in, and you’d be happy to give them the information, you just don’t want to type it out again.
If someone offers [good or bad] advice and you aren’t looking for input:
“I know you’re worried about me and want me to get and be better, so offering up ideas and solutions seems like a great idea. I am working with my medical team to find the best solutions for me. What I need right now is to feel what I am feeling, to express what I am thinking, and a lot of rest. If you aren’t able to hear me chatter about all of this without offering solutions, let me know. I know it can be hard not to want to fix it! But what I need right now is a listening ear, if you can’t be that, that’s okay, and I won’t discuss it with you.”
Unsolicited advice from non-medical professionals (or worse, an adjacent field!) can feel intrusive, frustrating, toxically positive, all of the above. Let yourself say no to that. We can only tell people what we need. If they cannot deliver what we need, we do not need to punish ourselves by continuing to enter into that cycle with them. Talk about it with someone else who is able to hold the space.
If someone thinks what you need is visitors —and you really don’t:
“You are so sweet to want to come and spend time with me, I am nowhere near the space of being able to have people over or near me, really. But I will let you know when I am ready to see people again.”
It is okay to protect your space, your peace, and oftentimes your fragile immune system! If they come back suggesting they’d like to drop off food or make an excuse to come over, be ready:
Script: “That’s really kind – please just leave it at the front door.” You are allowed to hold your boundary.
If they want to keep talking about your health — but you just want to talk about The Ultimatum:
“I know that talking about my health is the elephant in the room, but I would love to talk about almost anything else. Join me in my healthy distraction. Have you watched the newest season of The Ultimatum? I would like to tell you all about every insane twist.”
You contain multitudes, and sometimes those multitudes are the healthiest way to move forward. We all deserve distraction, we all deserve time free from health ruminations. Let your people know what you need, even if that is a thesis-level breakdown of The Ultimatum.
If you need to put your phone in another room and sleep for 16 hours:
“I am letting you know I am plugging my phone in in the living room and creating perfect sleep conditions in the bedroom. I will check in with you when I am awake. I just need to log off for a while.”
You need rest, you deserve rest. Let someone know where you are, how you are, and why you’re going radio silent, and then, enjoy the silence.
If someone is asking for play-by-play updates — but doesn’t need them:
“I can see you’re worried about me, and I appreciate that. I am going to be keeping the day-to-day details of this private right now. I appreciate you respecting that. I will share headlines with you, but the nitty gritty feels very vulnerable and I’ll be keeping those to myself.”
Your medical history is yours, you do not have to be broadcasting these to the family group chat. You are allowed to share as much or as little with whomever you want.
Remember you are allowed to set boundaries and protect your peace all of the time, but especially during a trying moment. You are worthy of placing boundaries and having them honored.
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